Jeremey the Penguin

Ozark Soundscape

Jeremy was a fat little penguin who lived in the middle of the Antarctic, except he was in Cleveland in search for his girlfriend Michaela. Michaela had a very bad case of the so called »flu». I say so called because »the flu» doesn't really exist. It’s actually a disease created in a government lab called »virus X». »Virus X» is designed to stop the lower class people in America from having sex so that the government could cut back on government spending for Welfare without any controversy surrounding such decision. The lack of sex would decrease the lower class birthrate significantly and the majority of poor people, who otherwise would be on Welfare due to the high cost of raising children, to not be on Welfare and not need it. So then the government could put more money into the military, who were planning an invasion of North Korea, and needed a large number of costly nuclear bombs. So »virus x» was injected into a poor woman by the name of Janet who was having herself and her children vaccinated for a number of diseases. However, Janet soon married an aristocrat by the name of Lucas. Lucas soon caught the »virus x», but Lucas, who was very unfaithful, had several affairs with other women of various social statuses, and the »virus x» spread, both from sex, and eventually through the air. This disease was later branded as the »the flu» by some foolish doctors, and has since been treated as such.

So Michaela had the flu. Michaela worked at a dock, and she carried cargo onto ships about to leave from the Antarctic. But the flu made her very sleepy. She fell asleep on the ship, and was carried off to New York. When Jeremy heard of this accident, he and his penguin friends sailed to New York in search of Michaela. It took them five days to get there (it was a speed boat), and once they arrived they began to look for the poor, lost Michaela. Despite looking everywhere, she was nowhere to be found.

The other penguins thought it was a lost cause, so they went back, deserting Jeremy in the big apple. But Jeremy was hopeful, and he continued his search. He searched all of New England, and then eventually ended up in Cleveland, right where we started.

Michaela still wasn’t to be found. It had been 3 months sense he had left his Antarctic home, and after this long, hard journey, Jeremy still couldn’t find his girlfriend. He broke down in tears and sat there on the sidewalk, sobbing. Then a man stopped and asked him what was wrong. He was wearing a black suit with a red tie, a briefcase, and one of those black hats that’s like a fedora except the top is a hemisphere, ya know? You know what I mean. Jeremy told the man about his problem. The man sat and listened to his story. But he couldn’t understand, as very few humans understood the mystic language of the penguin. So he held Jeremy and brought him home to his apartment, tucked him in on his couch, and left him there for the night.

Jeremy woke up in the man’s car. Soon they got out and the man took him to the zoo. »This is where I work», he said.

Jeremy was taken into the penguin cage. As the door closed, the sleepy Jeremy finally realized what was happening. He began to pound on the cage and scream. After a while, he gave up and cried himself to sleep.

He woke up... in his igloo! It was all a dream! He ran out the door, and danced. Then he looked for Michaela. But again, she was nowhere to be found. Then he realized that Michaela was just a figment of his imagination, and so was this world. He had imagined it all up. He was really a dinosaur living in the 7th dimension! And he was in a coma, too, and during that coma he had dreamt up this so called »Earth». And so Jeremy was released from the hospital, and seven months later was drafted to fight in, and die in, the legendary Canadian-Mexican sock-puppet war of 1969.

The end