The life, revelations and death of Jüris H. Smirnoff,

self-proclaimed Master of the Vodkaverse

Jüris H. Smirnoff

Something very different this week folks. I created a fictional character quite some time back called Jüris H. Smirnoff. Now, in reality he would live in the future, but somehow he has emerged in the present, although in some way, I do not date him, so make up your own mind.

These were initially blog entries on Myspace, so apologies if they have an odd tone about them. These fictional stories are more like diary or journal entries, but on a public level.

I hope to follow these up in time with some other weird stories.

Some additional information about Jüris H. Smirnoff:

He is a Mormon and feels Joseph Smith is his hero.

He also seems obsessed with Dr. Condoleezza Rice, Donald H. Rumsfeld, The Brotherhood of Man, Eurovision and Garth Brooks.

He likes sitting on artichokes.

He most importantly likes Vodka and uses the soubriquet »Master of the Vodkaverse» when signing his name.

He is a very odd character indeed.

Space Cadet Training

Greetings everyone. I have decided that a life consisting of sitting on artichokes all day is not for me, so I am therefore becoming a Space Cadet. Yes, you did hear correctly, a Space Cadet.

What does this job consist of? Well, the briefing I had went considerably well actually and they told me to don my tasty uniform. Unfortunately, no photos are allowed at Space Agency, because it is all very top secret and professional. I shouldn’t even be writing about it here, but as I realise nobody is likely to read this, then it does not really matter. But yes, back to my job description: I shall firstly be partaking in a bit of study. The studying side of becoming a Space Cadet takes considerable time, sometimes upto 10 years, so I could be in for a long haul... but I do get to make some amazing trips to places whilst studying. I get to visit Area 51 and meet some real life aliens, this is very exciting.

I have been told my religion could cause a problem. They’ve never had a Mormon wanting to become a Space Cadet before, so they have had to cater for me, by allowing me to have a copy of the Book of Mormon by Joseph Smith. I daresay other like-minded Mormons will soon join me.

Now most people would think Lightsabers were fake, but I have to tell you they are not, I have one myself and it works wonders on cutting my beef jerky.

Every potential Space Cadet has to obtain his »Badge of Spaceworthyness» and I am on my way to obtaining mine very soon. I have to prove to everyone that I believe in space travel and that man did land on the moon. I also have to explain why Yurij Gagarin is not a Russion hero or even a hero for space travel.

I guess I shall return back here in due course, I have a lot of study to do and us trainees, well, we don’t get all that much time for socialising or partaking in leisure activities.

So I shall speak to you all soon.

Goodnight and god bless.

Ahead I saw the spaceport doors start to creak open. The Novastar mining ship I was on, started to descend slowly; I was nervous.

»Jüris!»

»What’s up dude? All is well, surely?»

»Yes Jüris, everything is fine.»

»So why are you calling my name, Isliz?»

»I just wanted to wish you well, you are leaving us after all»

The ship now entered the spaceport and lights below shone brightly up at us. This would be my new home.

»Not a problem there dude, ya know I’ll return safely back. I’ll be fine, I’ll put a good word in for ya.» I said to Isliz, who seemed unnecessarily concerned about me, still, I’m glad he cares in a way, he has been a good friend to me for the last 6 months.

The ship buffeted, it had landed safely.

I approached the door within my quarters.

»Wait Jüris.»

I stopped walking and heard Isliz out.

»Thanks for everything, it’s been a pleasure to have been a friend of yours. Yes, we’ve not seen eye-to-eye on occasions, but you have to realise that I am going to miss you. You have been a good friend, as well as a good mentor to me. I am also appreciative of you putting a good word in for me. Thank you once again.»

The door opened slowly, it was one of those new fangled automatic doors, but it was having problems...

»Isliz Gard, I shall never forget ya dude, take it easy, ya know I’m not one for words. I have to go. Bye».

I walked through the passageway where the door had been and approached the loading bay. I heard something behind me, something approaching me.

»Jüris! Give me a hug».

Isliz Gard can be so annoying sometimes, he’s young, he’s impressionable, but he is so damn in your face, it annoys me. I grin at him.

»No worries dude, I’ll hug ya, but don’t let nobody see us». I chuckled.

I hug Isliz. It feels odd, I don’t think I’ve hugged a guy since I was a nipper.

»Thanks Jüris, you’ll be safe won’t you?»

»Yeh dude, course I will, I have to be off, I have somebody waiting to meet me and I can’t be late. Sorry.»

I wave to Isliz and then head for the loading bay once more.

I had to grab my belongings before departing. This consisted of a napsack and suitcase full of my clothes. All very useful to me. I walked down the loading bay ramp and headed for my destination; Section 4a, Purple.

This whole place was new too me, I had no idea where I was heading. I passed a bank of computers on my right, being used mostly by bespectacled dudes in white lab coats. I had a little chuckle to myself.

I look towards the walls, looking for some indication of where I am. It seems they don’t have signs around here.

I continue on down what seems to be the biggest corridor I have seen so far on this spaceport, hoping it is the route to everywhere. I look towards the end of the corridor. I see a big silver metal hulk. I stroll towards it, wondering what it could be.

»Stop human. I am Kalixolis and I am a sentient computer. I can supply help if you require it» said a male American voice from the big silver metal hulk.

»Right, this is odd dude, I have been told to report to somebody named Kalixolis, but you say you’re Kalixolis?»

»That is right human. I shall now do a scan of you, to enable me to find out who you are.»

I hear some almost inaudable clicks.

»Starting scanning»

The clicks stop.

»Scanning complete. I see you are Jüris H. Smirnoff, a human, aged 19 years, 8 months and 4 days. You are 6’ 1» in height. I have been waiting for you.»

»Oh, thanks for that dude, I already knew who I was and you only had to ask ya know. It’s not hard for you to have to wait as it’s not as if you can go anywhere is it? You can’t even move dude. What is it ya want with me?»

»Well Mr. Smirnoff, you shall find out in good time. Less backchat»

»Get a sense of humour. You’re testing my patience aren’t ya?»

»Actually Mr. Smirnoff I am not, you have brought your tantrum on yourself»

»Aye, whatever dude, whatever floats ya boat. Just tell me what ya want with me.»

Geez, this hunk-a-junk must have been designed by some idiotic human or something, I never realised a computer could be so patronising.

»Fine. I shall tell you why you are here. You have been on the Novastar mining ship for 6 months now and the authorities here on the Jalon spaceport have been monitoring your movements. It has become clear to us that you have been idle with the Novastar’s mining. No mining has taken place on the Novastar since you arrived on it. We here on the Jalon spaceport wish to award you with a prize for your lack of work.»

»Eh? Dude, how does that work then? I get a prize for doing zilch work? Cool. What do I win?»

»Mr. Smirnoff, we would like to award you 2 weeks solitary confinement in our very luxurius prison cell. Guards!»

»Wh-wh-what? You have no authority on Jalon, I work for myself, you can’t arrest me for idleness dude, this ain’t on at all, this has to be some kinda joke, surely?»

»Sorry Mr. Smirnoff. Guards!»

Two giant Korkuzans appear from nowhere, grab me by my arms and then promptly drag me off too a prison cell. Korkuzans are just too ugly and brutal too describe. They have a humanoid form, are around 7’ in height on average and have one solitary eye in their chest. They have no head as such, but do have a petrusion where our own human heads would be. They have very small brains and they are not particularly intelligent due to this. Their origin is obscure, but they are believed to originate from some planet within the Doi starsystem. These two particular specimens are odd, in the fact that they are a very light yellow in colour, rather than the usual light green/brown.

I get thrown in the cell and a massive thick metal door slams shut behind me.

All is quiet, no noise is heard anywhere. I have a look around the cell. It’s pretty damn sparse, just a huge metal bunk bed and a surprisingly small table. This cell isn’t designed for a human I feel. It’s probably a Korkuzan living quarters. Korkuzans are used as slaves; particularly as guards, or within the security field. Because of their intelligence, they don’t require any table space, as they don’t write, they don’t play cards, actually, it’s a surprise there’s a table there at all. I look around the cell a bit more and notice some mess on the bottom bunk bed. Seems I won’t be alone for much longer. Great, I have to share a cell with a Korkuzan, what a great conversation I shall have.

I cannot do anything, I cannot write, I cannot read, I cannot even relieve myself as there are no toilet facilities. I climb onto the top bunk and remove the covers. I move the gigantic pillow slightly, but whilst doing so I see something shiny underneath it..., I put my hand under the pillow and pull out what feels like a magazine..., oh my god!

Barry Island String Quartet

It’s a wonder I’m still alive. I had an accident, only a small one, but still enough to cause worry in the Space Cadet ranks.

So what happened?

I actually have no idea, because I was not conscious at the time..., I have been told I fell from a very great height and landed very hard somewhere, but nobody seems to know where that somewhere was. My fellow collegues claim I entered a portal of some kind. A portal to another realm. I am not sure how this portal got there, or indeed, where it supposedly went, but somehow I had stumbled upon it.

Apparently (and this is what I have been told), after I had stepped into this mystery portal, I immediately started to fall. Nobody was brave enough to enter the portal, but people peered into it and witnessed what most thought would be my inevitable end.

I somehow landed on luscious green grass. I could smell mint and tea. It smelt like earth, but it wasn’t earth. How did I know this? Well, the people that were approaching me were most definitely not human. Yes, they were bi-pedal and resembled humanoids, but they were far more lizard like.

»Sni, fucadix, shshslishmish... presxmos slock».

An odd dialect indeed. Not human in tone, not human in anyway. I have rendered what I heard as best as the English language permits.

So I was stuck..., what a to-do I had got myself in. I needed to get out of it.

Remembering I was conscious now, but I had not been before, I was not aware of how I had arrived here. I had no recollection of a portal whatsoever.

However, I did have clutched to my bosom, a Terence Trent D’Arby Greatest Hits CD..., why? I do not even like him.

Then it became a little clearer..., my friend Colin had given me it. He was in my room and saw my Shania Twain DVD and decided I may like Terence Trent D’Arby (I knew I wouldn’t, but I humoured him anyhow, by saying I’d give him a go). So he quickly left and thus returned, with the TTD CD in his hand and passed it to me. I walked towards my bed - fully bedecked in beige bed sheets - and that was the last thing I remember, until I saw these Lizard people...

I was still stuck here, wherever here was... not a soul could help me, I started to give up hope.

A lizard person approached (they seemed a-sexual to me, I could not tell what sex they were) and grabbed my arm..., my CD dropped to the floor. I hate it when that happens, because those annoying little clips that hold in the booklet normally break off, or worse still, the tabs that hold the CD in place break off too...

On this occasion, the CD just seemed to float just above the green grass, blades barely touching it. This is surreal indeed.

The lizard gave me an a-sexual stare..., better than any other type of stare actually. I looked perplexed, he countered with an even more threatening a-sexual stare. Weird.

I bent down and was going to attempt to grab my CD and make a run for it..., but then I thought: How stupid is that? I don’t need this CD, I have no way of playing it here, what do Lizard people want with Terence Trent D’Arby?

But yes, you guessed it, I grabbed the CD, swiveled around and... fell over. A simple school prank gone wrong..., someone had tied my laces together. Why now of all times? Such childish behaviour..., oh well.

I was flat on my face..., I looked up and I was back in my room. How so? Had I just banged my head and hallucinated the whole thing? That is a very feasible explanation.

There is one problem with that fine theory though.

Upon looking at the CD, I noticed an extra track... It had most definitely not been there before.

It was a very rare version of »Save All Your Kisses For Me» by The Brotherhood of Man, except it was not by them, or Terence Trent D’Arby... It was by »Sni, fucadix, shshslishmish... presxmos slock». It had a translation underneath it... »The Barry Island String Quartet».

That was proof enough for me. Poor Colin though, he hated that track.

I am fine now, you will be pleased to know. I am still a little shaken, but alas, I shall survive.

So bon voyáge to everyone and I shall keep you up-to-date of my life in Space Cadets as often as I can.