The Hard Knob — An Epilogue From A Film By Roland Garrot

Roland Garrot & Amy Vobut

ANSIL FECKTON: (sitting in a room that is brightly lit) Hey...what do you know...I have finally found it.

R. EMMERS: (also sitting but starting to take his clothes off) What is that?

ANSIL FECKTON: The author of the joke.

R. EMMERS: Holy testicle sacks filled with feces. How?! It has evaded us for the entire film.

ANSIL FECKTON: I augmented a computer program that was meant to search for extreme rape fantasy porn to look for jokes about suicide from 1920-2034. It gave me a long list of results, and after much masturbation to the pornography, I started reading the joke results. And 308 entries later, here it is.

R. EMMERS: (almost completely naked) Wow. I'm impressed and aroused. So...who was it?!

ANSIL FECKTON: Apparently, it was Allen Willcuts.

R. EMMERS: Allen Willcuts? Who the fuck is Allen Willcuts?

(after questioning Allen Willcuts existence, a distant horn blows and the room they are sitting in fills with god.)

ANSIL FECKTON: Christ’s priapism!...is that...is that god?!

R. EMMERS: Oh good! God hasn't seen my penis in awhile. This should be enjoyable for him.

GOD: (slightly confused) Oh sorry, I shouldn't be here now. By the way, sweet cock.

(With that there is a large boom and blinding light. Once god leaves, fog rolls in with the sounds of thunder and apricots smashing. Just then an image appears behind them and out of the dense fog emerges the aforementioned Allen Willcuts.)

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Yes it is I, Allen Willcuts. Thank you for finally acknowledging me after this hour and a half of humorless farce, questionable slapstick, and bad puns. If only you looked at the search bots’ results before your masturbate-a-thon this could have been resolved at the beginning of the film.

ANSIL FECKTON: Well I'm sorry...I don't have all the time in the world to travel in fog and make fun of other people's anal warts.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: (slightly confused) I…I haven't done that last one.

ANSIL FECKTON: Oh sorry, I'm occasionally prescient about things involving butts. If you paid attention to the movie, instead of just counting the puns, you would have realized that.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Why would I want to watch this movie? It's poorly made and certainly won't impress the ladies. In fact, it's so badly made, that the ladies wouldn't even want to make out while watching it. They will just throw up and write sarcastic songs about the former Soviet Union. Also, I'm not in it until the epilogue. That's a major no draw.

R. EMMERS: If you just came here to berate us, who had nothing to do with writing the movie, by the way, then I'm going to put my clothes back on.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: No, no. Please...Continue to be naked.

R. EMMERS: Well, ok...but only because I like it so much, not because you told me too.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Whatever you have to say to sleep at night.

ANSIL FECKTON: So what did you come here for? Not that you'd know from not watching the movie, but we are all out of ham, gyroscopes, salamander hearts, and idealistic fantasies.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: I have come to spread the knowledge of Allen Willcuts. Most people don't know much about me...hell you searched the almighty internet with the exact wording of my joke and still couldn't find anything about me.

ANSIL FECKTON: Why would we care about you? Knowing it was you who made the joke is enough for me.

R. EMMERS: (scrounges around a kitchen like area, not really paying attention to anything) And me, if we are being honest.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: I could have a very interesting back story. I could have millions of dollars stored in a safe buried in the Mojave Desert. I could have a penis the size of Milwaukee. I could have married the queen to be of a small European monarchy. I could have the nuclear codes tattooed on my pelvis. I could have been responsible for the deadliest AIDS outbreak in history. I could have the secret to curing all your existential angst. I could have created the perfect hybrid of casaba melon and pomegranate. I could have all the secrets of the universe. I could have other jokes you like as well.

ANSIL FECKTON: slight pause...are any of those things true?

ALLEN WILLCUTS: …Not a one.

ANSIL FECKTON: A huge shock that.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Fine, fine...but with anal warts like that you should be pleased when anyone wants to spend time with you…

R. EMMERS: (lifts head out of a refrigerator) Aha!

ANSIL FECKTON: (smugly) I told you…I’m never wrong about asses.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Damnit. Fine fine...your very specific prescience is mildly impressive.

ANSIL FECKTON: Thank you. At this rate, my rectal foreknowledge seems to be the most interesting thing for any of us in this conversation.

R. EMMERS: (eating what appears to be a grapefruit) What about my collection of Swedish disappointment?

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Oh wait. I got one that may be of interest.

ANSIL FECKTON: Oh?

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Yes. I'm dead.

ANSIL FECKTON: What?

ALLEN WILLCUTS: I am a deceased person. It slipped my mind.

R. EMMERS (with a mouth full of grapefruit) How can something like that just slip your mind?

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Well, I don't know. I mean, it's just something that is. I generally don't think about it often. It's like the sky being blue, or how rubbing the USS Bonhomme Richard will give you a small headache three years later. How often do you just think, oh, I'm alive now?

ANSIL FECKTON: More often than I should.

R. EMMERS: Just during sex.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: (Towards R. EMMERS) So that's once a decade for you then. (To the room) Look, I'm sorry states of existence aren't always on my mind but the size of my penis and European monarchal structures are.

ANSIL FECKTON: I suppose only a small amount of blame can be applied to that last point.

R. EMMERS: Wait a minute...I just realized something after eating this helium laced grapefruit.

ALLEN WILLCUTS: That you will get anal warts if you keep using his girlfriend’s vibrator as a toothbrush?

ANSIL FECKTON: She is full of viruses, it's very unfortunate.

R. EMMERS: No, no. I just realized that Allen Willcuts doesn't actually exist. He isn't a real person, we just made him up to give the ending of this movie some closure.

ANSIL FECKTON: (In disbelief) Cunt whackers! Tricked again…

ALLEN WILLCUTS: Aye, it is true. This being alive/being dead thing was just fabrication to give me a backstory to make it seem like I could have actually been. And because you have just realized my actual state of existence, I will now dissolve.

(Allen fades out moderately quickly)

ANSIL FECKTON: No wait, I still have so many questions...

R. EMMERS: Like why your girlfriend has 16 vibrators stored in our bathroom?

ANSIL FECKTON: Well I already know the answer to that...it's because I'm bad in bed and the only way she can climax is through artificial stimulation.

R. EMMERS: Allen would have enjoyed that story.

ANSIL FECKTON: But you know, now thinking about it, I guess I don’t really have any questions for him. Being he is imaginary all of his answers would be meaningless.

R. EMMERS: But then, everything is meaningless.

ANSIL FECKTON: (makes a small sigh sound and nods his head)

FIN