Overview Of An Unfinished Novel
by Arthur Cartwright
(Arranged & Prepared By Braxton Uribe)
Title: They kill horses for that, don't they?
*Warning about copywrite infringement.*
Four blank pages.
Introduction:
(To be penned by Archduke Canterflinn W. Escot at a future date.)
Title Page:
Chapter Indexes:
Prologue — An Editor's Note? — Pg. 1
Chapter 1 — A Milieu Of Martin Greenspan — Pg. 5
Chapter 2 — Resistance Of The Core — Pg. 29
Chapter 3 — Grandfather Clock Pastiche — Pg. 44
Chapter 4 — Man's Seat At The Table Of The Oligarchy Of The Universe — Pg. 58
Chapter 5 — April 16, 2084 — Pg. 73
Chapter 6 — A Reinforcement Of Dialectic Ideals — Pg. 88
Chapter 7 — Remember Fondly A New Pronouncement Of Faith — Pg. 125
Chapter 8 — A Sunset Is Also A Sunrise (Including The Sex Scene) — Pg. 192
Chapter 9 — The Part Of The Story Where There Isn't A Middle (But There Are Four Beginnings) — Pg. 213
Chapter 10 — Filming A River Without The Aid Of A Camera — Pg. 278
Chapter 11 — Trigonometric Anomalies In Five Dimensions — Pg. 314
Chapter 12 — A Morality Play (Also Titled - Out Of Black Sheep) — Pg. 362
Chapter 13 — Income Tax Reform In The Modern Age — Pg. 501
Chapter 14 — A Tale Of Two Homotopies — Pg. 522
Chapter 15 — Kierkigard's Wallet — Pg. 586
Chapter 16 — Burn Before Reading — Pg. 657
Chapter 17 — Not Included In This Book — Pg. ?
Epilogue — A Metaphor For Everlasting Death — Pg. 936
Prologue:
An external narrator explains why there are only three words to the Somalian National Anthem. A brief overview the time of the novel, giving the backstory of the main protagonists existence. A mysterious form appears and seems lost to the intricacies of existential trigonometry. An in depth description of a field in a park. A final warning: That contemporary art will be less satisfying in several iterations, so try to enjoy it now.
Chapter 1:
A man and a dog play chess. The dog asks questions about unmitigated morality as defined by historical paradigms. The man eats a scotch egg.
Chapter 2:
Chinwa Fastia opens a new boutique for the temporarily disabled. It stocks a fine variety of cheeses but only one good alternative to the microwave oven. But sometimes, it is a sexual amphitheater. An ancient tale begins to be told in a basement of a jazz club that might actually be the home to New World Alchemy.
Chapter 3:
A new city is planned to be built by a man with no nose. He isn't the pope. Corduroy pants become popular again and no one is named Fred after 2017. A strange courier appears at a local jai alai club and builds mashed potatoes out of quantum filaments.
Chapter 4:
A hospital explodes. Exaggerated pathos.
Chapter 5:
Everyone is sucking a lollipop except for Chad Greenjohn. He prefers a more substantial poison to that of Rhoda Gabler, who is trying to buy something without money or legs. Verbiage increases at all local tax firms. A local ophthalmologist believes he is being abducted by Bhutanese.
Chapter 6:
A priest, a nun, and a jailer discuss the finer points of positive didacticism in the modern and postmodern age. No one falls off their seat, but there is an earthquake.
Chapter 7:
A funeral for Marge J. Haple. She was loved by exactly 3 people. Two of them wrestle in mud while the 3rd contemplates becoming a taxidermist. Somebody at the funeral gives a speech, somebody else vomits. Elsewhere, a policeman stops cars on Rt. 33 looking for a sacred ancient relic.
Chapter 8:
A man and a women go skinny dipping. Gratuitous nudity and embarrassing sexual escapades occur. A dirty joke is told that causes a sparrow to have a heart attack, an airplane’s engine to seize and catch fire, a mountain range to develop in an African steppe, and the definition of the word ‘esplanade’ to change to ‘an insincere exaggerated gesture of good faith’.
Chapter 9:
Everyone develops amnesia and switches places with somebody else in the story.
Chapter 10:
A viking raid occurs in a suburb of Cleveland. Somebody sneezes and causes Mrs. Ally Hackson to spill canola oil. Expensive art falls off a wall and somebody is transported to Langley, VA. The mysterious courier reappears, but this time dressed as the back half of a donkey from a school nativity play.
Chapter 11:
An external narrator sees himself in a mirror. He is confused why he is in the book in a physical form. He tries to eat grapes, but they are holographic.
Chapter 12:
Mont C. Montbury exhumes a corpse. He tries to use it as a surfboard.
Ending a) He crashes into somebody while surfing and that person is the future corpse.
Ending b) He crashes into a wading pool of policeman. They arrest him but then forget they didn't really exist so he is set free.
Ending c) Nuclear material spills out of a canister he finds at the beach. Many people get sick and die horribly.
Chapter 13:
»The body is red» is spray painted on Maggie McTuck's face and she sings a lullaby. Devin McCloud steals the only phonautograph on the eastern seaboard. Another palm tree grows in the middle of the freeway as the mysterious courier appears with a third eye transplanted onto his femur.
Chapter 14:
A lake in the dead of winter thaws suddenly because it is actually summer in a transplanted timeline. People are worried about their taxes and many take vacations to small Caribbean islands as a means of preparation. An ancient tale concludes in the basement of a jazz club, but with this ancient time spilling out into the real world. An unusual deli sandwich is presented that could be life changing if eaten.
Chapter 15:
A donkey, a sheep, an owl, and an echidna try to prepare a small cyan colored room for a tea party. The donkey is clumsy and the sheep defecates constantly. The echidna thinks he is a condor and the owl eats most of the cinnamon scones. There is further discussion if the absurdity of life is too much.
Chapter 16:
A brief message from several corporate sponsors.
Epilogue:
An ambulance crashes in a desert and a mysterious form transports all the characters to that point in time. The nun is the most confused. Slowly, over Eons, they all turn to stone, with the echidna being the most expensive in its stone state. The mysterious courier finally delivers a package and becomes a sultan that is suspected of being immortal. A game of air hockey is played in the mind of Chinwa Fastia before her solar plexus becomes gravy. Someone sees an ancient object but loses all contact with reality and becomes a new tax code in their next life.
About The Author:
Born Arthur Janewick Georges Buttbelli Q. Cartwright, he was born into a family of local sweater vest procurers. At the age of 5 he ate a bug that was the last surviving creature of the Pleistocene era. At the age of 12, his uncle died from a suspiciously clogged colon and ever since then he cannot drink grapefruit juice. He moved to Toad Suck Arkansas when he was 23 and served as a drunk geologist for 56 years. Over this time he found many hobbies including table waxing, chainsaw juggling, boiling eggs, and writing. Unfortunately, when he died he had never actually finished a novel. In his bedchamber, his Nova Scotian housekeeper found a footlocker hidden in the back of the walk in cupboard. Inside were 22 unfinished manuscripts, some mere outlines, others full rough drafts complete with handwritten notes and corrections. Upon study of these papers, noted scholars immediately proclaimed Arthur Cartwright to be the best American novelist that never published, or even finished, any works. Academics have argued about his importance to the American literature scene since then. Most of these noted luminaries agree that his works are better than shoving your hand in a ham slicer but not as nice as a happy ending at Whu’s Massage Parlor at the corner of 25th and Grand. Yet, Arthur Cartwright remains purely an underground success and legend to those who care to look. He was preceded by his brother, Larry, his mother Osgood, and son Rudin and survived by his wife Asgard, daughters Lieh, St. Clair, and Hymen, son Lucas, and pet ostrich Reichian.