Corporations Calm A Comma
Seth H. Monroe
I am an alarm clock without having to wake up for at least seven days. I can facilitate activities that demonstrate the values of crushing nothingness and offer varying price packages suited to any socioeconomic standing. All proceeds will be donated to my various habits so that I may sustain them with continued efficiency. I have been voted as Top Low Life by a group of overqualified invalids for the past five years non-consecutively and I occasionally bring the trophy with me to various dining engagements as a distraction for the servants and children.
In a year previous to the current one, I was recognized by the Better Business Bureau as a business and have considered filing an appeal ever since. My portfolio is lightly scented and provides convenient banking hours. I am available for corporate birthday parties as well as week days. Discounts are applicable to children’s funerals and arranged marriages. Goods are arrogantly sold at modest prices when services are unavailable. Services are subject to change without warning. Services rendered may not always serve the client’s best interest but will always provide fleeting moments of mildly vengeful guilt. Warranties are incremented in arbitrary amounts of time and promise that 100% of thirty minutes is free or your next delivery is guaranteed. Additional coupons are available at participating internets.
Non-profit corporate deities are eligible for sassy retirement plans, provocative euthanasia, fickle arts and/or crafts, overzealous long-term acupuncture seminars and hirsute insurance policies. Profit sharing, stock options and words of praise will be given bi-weekly and only in jest with receipts available under duress. Overtime wages are paid for any hours worked at run-on sentences, absurd plot structures, mild disapproval, time management rehabilitation and garbage reassignment. Records of employment are available in 12" clear vinyl and picture disc formats with bonus download cards in each. Pre-orders come with one gram of gateway drugs, an ironic beer koozie, a bunch of self-sticking stickers, two pins (needles not included), a classy back patch that is ideal for casual Fridays and three drink tickets for a jazz festival that was poorly promoted and ultimately never happened.
I am aloof and will consider all resumes as veiled threats to be taken seriously at the last moment. My aim as a captain of industry is to continue providing the illusion of service under the guise of benevolent credibility with an emphasis on cigarette technologies. Board meetings are held sporadically at various donair shops. Lunch is not provided so it is suggested that all attendees eat shit beforehand. Unpolished turds are to be turned in at the beginning of the meeting and will be returned following the closing prayers. Unrealistic standards have been set to ensure that tolerance, diplomacy and utilitarian judgement are used both sparingly and begrudgingly by those who have received adequate training under the supervision of a journeyman charlatan or braggart.
Four out of five comedians can’t deny that my list of qualifications exists. Any middle class search engine can eventually display my name in a good light so long as there is a lamp on. Don’t just take my word for it. There is an abysmal resource of words anxiously awaiting manipulation so they can proudly tell you that I’m the boss even though I don’t golf. Sports will not be allowed to infiltrate daily work routines as it has been discovered that trophies are a direct cause of ego cancer (which is not covered under health benefits). Any grievances can be filed with a union representative and will be handled with cruel arrogance. Pecking orders are for the birds so a frequent flyer point system is now being devised for the common business pig. I know that travel is an important part of romantic misunderstandings so I must insist that you don’t love your job at work. What makes this business stand out is publicly traded staggering drunkenness paired with the foresight needed to properly fall down in a run away economy.
Should you still be considering permanent assimilation with my throbbing system of precise chaos, also colloquially referred to as Plush Discomfort (P.D.), Affluent Anarchy (A.A.), Bumbling Bricks (B.B.), Crazed Comfort/Comfortable Confusion/Confusing Calm/Calm Chaos (C.C.), Deranged Design (D.D.), Erroneous Ecstasy (E.E.) and Fuck Fuck (F.F.). More recently, Spastic Serenity (S.S.) has been coined by the lower brow and championed by the Black Metal community while being highly criticized by the Grindcore community with both parties citing Nazi occultism as the basis for their polarizing opinions of the term. We here at my business temple know that both views are wrong due to the irrefutable fact that Nazis never existed. They were created by Freemasons as an archetype of fear mongering propaganda and disinformation to cover up Masonic poker tournaments while simultaneously monopolizing the then-burgeoning apron industry. Winners of the tournaments were placed in positions of power within the textile, cook book, fashion, tin foil and print media regimes of the day and they continue to diversify their revenue streams while maintaining a strong skewing of history that many people resorting to public transportation use as a coping mechanism.
All walk-ins must be by appointment. Any cancellations must be given over the phone with an air of feigned guilt or clients will be subject to public humiliation in the form of full-time employment with my company. Vacation day accruals will be outsourced to gifted siblings of roach clip repairmen. Sick days must be taken orally and require edible documentation. Micro breaks are permitted for applicants who possess any of the addictions listed in our mission statement (please refer to the third stall from the left in the second floor men’s room). Smoking is only permitted in the pediatric care lounge (Happy Hour from 5-8pm). Use of personal music players is strongly encouraged among entry level apprentices if they are susceptible to thought broadcasting. All other employees can’t even hear me though.
Certainly jobs suck and it is my duty to ruin as many staff parties as possible in hopes of a more lucrative pipe dream, but the stems of commerce are clogged for the moment. Due to this small window of defenestrated down time, it is frowned upon to view any grass greener than the envy of an insider’s thumb. Any tradesmen caught bartering for or with tools will be reprimanded via courier pigeon and billed for all expenses incurred. I am not a quack nor am I trying to hack your lives or personal computers. I am a blind-drunk visionary looking to build a grid for you to get off of. If you think that you’ve got »it» going on then join the team that will have you telling others to fuck off in ways you never thought applicable. Act now and punctuate sleeping in by being late. Tardy workers eat heartier meals while early birds conspire with worms.