A 21st Century Public Service Announcement:
How To Tell If A Person Is Alive
Hello, my name is Simcock Gladdys, and I’m here to provide a public service announcement. Now, I realize this might be hard for some of you who know me to believe, what with my history of public harm rhetoric and absolute isolationist philosophies, but what I am here to talk about can be considered a widespread objection to existence. Some may classify it as an epidemic. Others may take it as obvious hyperbole created to stir the violent reactionary pot or create a mass panic to force people to buy guns or hedgehogs. But if it has moved me, the deep ontological nihilist, it is a serious concern for everybody involved.
The problem I’m describing is people being unconscious for extended periods of time. Are they dead? Are they asleep? Are they using the telephone? Are they transcribing Mayan texts? It is at times, very difficult to know. Thus, I am here with this PSA. I am here to educate people on how to tell if other people are alive. Please, read this pamphlet carefully. It may save somebody’s life and also provide hope to all the homeless in Bangladesh.
(The Following is a list of procedures to be followed in order to check on the animation state of a person who is suspected of being alive without actually showing signs of life.)
1. Check to see if the person is breathing. This can be done in several ways:
a) Stare at the chest. A highly likely sign of life is if it is moving up and down at regular intervals. If they are asleep it is likely that these intervals will be elongated from the usual breathing cycle. Do not panic if you cannot see the motion immediately due to this phenomenon.
b) Put your hand on their chest. If the victim is female this may be the preferred method for the investigator, but not the preferred method for the potential victim. As above, you should be able to feel a gradual, perhaps slight raising and lowering of the chest. When performing this step, be sure to not apply pressure with the hand when it is on the chest.
c) Put one or two fingers underneath the nostrils. When people breathe, air comes out of their nose upon the exhale. With fingers, or similar sensory device, you can feel this air as it egresses from the nasal cavity.
d) Put a tissue, or a thin, small piece of pliable material, underneath the nose. As above, the material will move and wriggle in the outflow of the breath.
e) The above two strategies will be negated if the person has their mouth open. Instead, you may attempt both C and D with the oral opening, instead of the nasal orifice.
2. Sometimes the air passages get clogged, preventing the person from taking a full or partial breath. This can be caused by any number of objects that can fit in the throat, such as unchewed food, large amounts of viscous liquids, pieces of wood, long cylindrical objects, and a plethora of others. This will cause item one to be impossible and ineffective. If you suspect this is the case, do check the throat. This can be done in several ways:
a) Open the mouth, and insert a finger down into the trachea. Generally the middle finger is the most successful as it is usually the longest digit. Be gentle but thorough. Be careful of the potential bite response of the person if they are indeed troubled by something caught inside the throat upon its removal.
b) If A failed, or you are uncomfortable sticking your finger in somebody else’s mouth, use a long, thin, cylindrical object. This could include a kabob stick, a comb, or your penis. As above, be gentle, but thorough.
c) Turn the person into the prone position. Gently, but with conviction, tap the back of the head and the upper part of the neck to attempt to dislodge the offending item.
d) If the person begins to vomit as a result of any of your actions, stop. Vomiting is a sign of life, so it is also safe to assume they are alive. However, making the person vomit should not be your ultimate goal with this exercise. Do not attempt to put the vomit back into the person.
3. Check for a pulse. A pulse is a regular expansion of an artery due to the blood flow and injection/ejection of the blood from the heart. Occasionally, the person’s breathing may be excessively shallow and difficult to detect. A pulse is another way to see if the body is responsive and working properly, a sure sign of life. It is recommended that you test a pulse using your hands, but it can be done using the tongue as well. To test for a pulse, apply firm but not aggressive pressure and wait for a moment. If after several seconds there is no response, move around the area slightly. The easiest spots to detect a pulse on the human body are:
a) The Wrist
b) The Neck
c) The Antecubital Fossa
d) Under The Ear
e) The Bottom Of The Foot
f) The Anus
g) The Genitals
h) The Popliteal Region
4. Tickle the person. This is the most disputed method of checking to see if someone is alive. While this method is general successful, as it provokes a stern and usually swift response, there is very little scientific or medical methodology behind it. It is completely acceptable to skip this step in the process of investigation, however it creates a more thorough experience. Be warned that it can waste time if done incorrectly. The process of tickling involves lightly touching the skin/body to produce involuntary twitching movements. There are, psychologically and physiologically, two types of tickling:
1) Knismesis – Produced by very light movement across the skin. The sensation created mirrors that of crawling insects and prompts an itchy feeling that usually has to be calmed by rubbing or scratching the spot affected.
2) Gargalesis – Produced by “heavy” touch, pressure, or vibration across the skin. The reaction is generally considered humorous, causing the affected person to laugh or pee and in extreme cases cause sexual arousal.
Some people are more sensitive to tickling than others, thus this method may prove to be inconclusive. The most ticklish spots on the body are:
a) The Soles Of The Feet
b) The Popliteal Region
c) The Sides Of The Abdomen
d) The Genitals
e) The Back Of The Neck
f) The Arm (For Knismesis)
5. Poking the person. This is a stronger stimulus then the previous step. Even if the person is immune to the effects of tickling, the effects of poking are not as easily dismissed. Poking involves taking an object (sharp, blunt, elongated, board, or otherwise) and creating pressure on a surface in a direction away from the one who is poking and towards (or inwards) to the person that is being poked. It is recommended to poke away from sensitive/imported areas of the body, and focus more on the thorax/abdomen area. If truly concerned, moving to the face or buttocks is an accepted second step. Any object may be used for poking. The following are recommended:
c) A Pen
d) A Stick
e) A Cane
f) A Rifle
g) A Wine Glass
h) A Pickle
i) A Guitar
j) A Frenchman
l) A Chair
m) A Dildo
n) An Atomically Correct Model Of A Digestive System
o) A Plastic Bottle
p) A Stone
q) A Miniature Recreation Of The Parthenon
r) Wooden Figurines
s) A Pineapple
t) A Howitzer
u) A Nun
v) A Rabbit Carcass
w) Frozen Eyeballs
x) A Microwave
6. Hitting The Person. As step 5 was over step 4, this is a means of providing a stronger stimulus in hopes of determining the true state of the person. Slapping is an acceptable variant of this strategy, although in the end a stronger force may be needed. Punching is a strong form of hitting that includes making a clenched fist and accelerating it with great force forward. It is recommended to attempting hitting/slapping/punching in a fairly sensitive spot, for maximum effectiveness. The following areas should be considered:
a) The Face
b) The Abdomen
c) The Buttocks
d) The Upper Arm
e) The Genitals
7. Pissing/defecting on the person. This tactic is ideal for somebody uncomfortable prodding or making direct bodily contact with another person (especially one that may or may not be distressed/deceased). Pissing, scientifically labeled ‘Urination’, is the act of removing liquid waste from the human body through the urethra. Defecation, unscientifically identified as shitting, is the act of removing semi-solid waste products via the large intestines, colon, and anus. The warmth, odor, tactile sensation, and unusual circumstance are the primary impetuses for rejuvenating the subject. It is recommended to use at least 4 ounces of urine and 1 pound of feces. The face is considered the most sensitive body part for this situation, but it is advised that the entire thorax and abdomen be utilized as well.
The following are extreme measures and are not recommended to be used unless ALL of the above have been utilized and failed to produce conclusive evidence one way or another. The creators of this ad campaign cannot be held responsible for any outcomes based on performing any of the follow exercises. You have been warned.
8. Have sex with the person. Sexual intercourse creates various responses in many of the body systems simultaneously. The circulatory system is stimulated as the heartbeat increases. The respiratory system responds with forms of heavy breathing. The nervous system is flooded with a myriad of nerve impulses. The endocrine system releases hormones and neurotransmitters are discharged throughout the brain. Sometimes, the urinary or digestive systems can be activated depending on the type of sexual intercourse and the ferocity and prominence of the male participate. In short, sex is a full body process, which unlike the previous suggestions utilizes multiple stimulus receptors at once. All types of sex may be tried, but “regular”, or vaginal, intercourse is suggested. If the subject is male, and thus doesn’t have a vagina, anal intercourse will suffice, even though the process is different, physiologically speaking. Additionally, for male subjects, oral intercourse is generally a good indicator of signs of life. If after several minutes of mouth to genital contact there is no penile growth, there is a good chance that something is amiss. However, continuing on to anal intercourse is still generally advisable, but the process may be shortened, out of concern the person is truly not alive.
9. Attempt to cause bodily harm. Serious bodily harm triggers pain receptors that send rapid-fire signals to the brain. This brain activity is generally the paramount sign to people who are alive. Bodily harm consists of many levels of injury. This approach is meant to cause harm without causing death or massive loss of blood or other vital bodily fluids. There are many techniques to attempt to cause this type bodily harm to another person. Below are ten relatively simple and effective methods:
a) Use a chainsaw to remove a limb.
b) Roll the subject down a long flight of stairs.
c) Insert a very hot piece of metal into the vagina or rectum.
d) Pour boiling water over the face or chest.
e) Use fishhooks to hang the person from the ceiling.
f) Place a hand, foot, or sensitive piece of flesh into a tank full of piranhas.
g) Use a car or truck to run them over.
h) Drop a large metal structure onto their chest or forehead.
i) Use pliers to remove bicuspids or molars.
j) Defenestration from two or three stories above the ground.
10. Burial. Most people who are alive vehemently object to being buried in the earth. It is important to actively say (preferably loudly) what you are doing, as you are doing it. This is to ensure the subject has a clear understanding of what you are planning to do. If the subject is alive there is a high probability that something you say will trigger in their brain that trouble is near. It is highly likely that after this step, no more steps can be followed, so it is recommended to perform this last and with great forethought. The process goes as follows:
a) Acquire a box, long enough to fit a human inside.
b) Lift the subject.
c) Place the subject into the box.
d) Seal the box (preferably with nails).
e) Drag the box into a large unwooded area.
f) Dig a hole large enough for the box to fit in. Make at least 4 foot deep.
g) Place the box inside the hole.
h) Slowly add dirt on top of the box, filling in the hole.
i) Plant grass seed on top of the spot and water occasionally.
If the person has not responded to any of the above stimuli then it is likely that something is severely wrong. The subject may even be dead. It is advisable to reach out to a physician to determine further actions.
Thank you for taking the time for reading this article about the widening pandemic known as being unconscious for long periods of time. We hope that, if a crisis befalls you or yours, you will know how to handle the situation and only positive results will occur. Tonight, as you think about tiny bees flying out of a uterus and the chemical compounds that shouldn’t be in Darjeeling tea, please spare a thought molecule for what you have read in this pamphlet.
Much love & Sandalwood,
Simcock Gladdys, ESI + 22Q.