The Aristocrats




(this was written in one sitting, nonstop with no prior thought put into the joke should be told, and is here unedited)




A family walks into a talent agent’s office, father, mother, son, daughter and a dog. They sit down, the father slaps his hands down on the talent agent’s desk and says:

»Do we have an act for you!»

The talent agent said, »Sorry, I don’t sign family acts, too cutesy.»

»Our act is different, I promise you sir, please just give us a chance and you’ll see» the father said.

»Well, OK. You seem like a good guy and I’m in a pretty good mood today. You have 10 minutes to wow me, right now.»

»Watch this» the Father says confidently.



The family sprung right into action.

The father grabs a bag, opened it up, pulled it out a boombox and hit play.

Circus music starts playing as the father takes off his clothes and starts slowly stroking his cock.

Once the father’s cock is nice and hard he then rips off his wife’s clothing, forced her to her knees and start sucking his dick while choking her with her own bra. This wasn’t your run of the mill blowjob, oh no! He forced her head down so hard she started vomiting. This did not stop him of course, no he kept shoving her head up and down on his cock full speed ahead. If anything the vomit just provided some lubicrant.



This is a family act of course, so while that is going on the children, who are 6 and 9 years old needless to say, get undressed and start masturbating each other. The girl doesn’t really know what she is doing so she’s just tugging and yanking the boy’s penis all over, pretty violently mind you and he doesn’t like this. So the boy starts jamming four fingers in his sisters pussy hard as he can. Things get out of hand, they start yelling and calling each other names you know typical brother sister fighting stuff. The father, being the caring parent he is, says

»Knock it off you two! Get over here»



So the kids walk over and he pulls one of those orange pill tubes you get from the pharmacist out of his bag. It’s filled with LSD, about 50 hits of it. The father says, »here this oughta calm you two down» and gives em some of the LSD. Being a fair man, he divides it up evenly amongst them all and the dog. Did you forget about the dog? So basically each family member and the dog just took about 10 hits of acid.



The dad says »now kids let’s continue with the act» and rams his rock hard dick into the boys asshole. Due to the pain the boy starts pissing uncontrollably, piss is just all over the floor when the dog comes running by and starts sliding all over the piss. The dog keeps trying to stand up but it’s little legs give and it falls, every step it takes it just slides all over, it would be the most adorable sight ever if it wasn’t piss. While this is going on the girl starts licking the mothers asshole and the father shoves a finger in his daugther’s pussy. He wasn’t exactly sure who it was, he was so focused on fucking his son’s ass, he just kinda felt around until he hit someones vagina.



Not to have the dog feel left out he scoops it up and starts licking the dogs penis. Needless to say this was all done quite violently so most of them started bleeding, bleeding from the ass, the dick even! Finally the father cums and drops the load in his sons mouth, who then leans over to drop the cum in his sisters mouth, who then starts making out with the mom. They kiss intensely, swapping the cum between them, each time their mouths parted for a brief moment a string of semen bridged the gap majestically.



The father paused for a moment to catch his breath and said, »But wait, there’s more!»

The circus music really picked up and the act kicked it into high gear. By now the acid was starting to kick in for the kids, we can’t know what exactly they were seeing but it must’ve been something horrifying. The girl picked up the dog and bit into its neck. The dog made all kind of sickening noises but the girl was relentless yelling »DIE DIE!» as blood poured from her mouth and chewed the dogs face off. The son, horrified by all this, shat himself and for some insane LSD fueled reason plopped down on his shit and started rolling around in it.

Shit, piss, blood and semen all mixed together into some soupy mixture which the family started to slurp up frantically. Remember it was slippery so they got on all fours for stability, but it wasn’t quite enough and they still slid around getting blood and shit and piss all over their bodies. And semen, musn’t forget the semen!



The father got another erection, turned on by the sight of his wife’s tits covered in all these bodily fluids and started fucking her asshole, fingering her pussy and put his face right into her tits, smearing the bodily fluids all around. The daughter started licking her dad’s asshole, and I mean really going to town on it. The son climbed on top of this disgusting mass of humanity and shoved his penis into his mothers ear. She was startled by this and grabbed her sons balls and ripped them right off. The boy let out a blood curdling scream and started pulling his mothers hair with all his might. She flung around as the boy held on for dear life like someone holding onto a bucking bull, his crotch bleeding like a waterfall.

The father threw them all to the ground, and started shitting on every single one of them. He took an extreme amount of stool softener before arriving and it was mainly a stream of liquid pouring out of his asshole onto them all.



The whole family began fighting viciously, while the boy who managed to escape sat huddled, shivering and started singing god bless america. He struggled though since he had tourettes and was tripping on LSD and dying of blood loss. He fell over numerous times, choking out the words while crying and occasionally yelling »fuck you nigger!» and »jews did 9/11!»

The rest of the family was of course severely beaten by now, teeth were knocked out, noses swollen, eyeballs gouged knees bent and bleeding from every orifice.



In a final burst of strength the father put his arms around the family, and they forced themselves to their feet, wobbling and n the verge of collapse. They all threw their hands out and said »ta da!»



The talent agent sat in pure silence for a moment, wiping sweat and various bodily secretions from his forehead and collected himself. At a loss for words all the talent agent could muster was, »Wow that’s one helluva act...what do you call yourselves?»



The father smiled a beautiful smile and said:



»The Aristocrats!»