An Ode to the Mammalian Bandit and Supreme Ardent Detractor, the Raccoon
(And Also a Large Bat That Got Into My House)
You’re a deceptive little shit, you!
You always look innocuous enough
with your furry little face mask and
admittedly, cute little paws
Forming a curtain of falsehoods
that shrouds your ture nature
as a MENACE to society
and the CIVILIZED WORLD as a WHOLE!
Every night you keep me awake
as you rummage through the neighbor’s
and cat food
you are really fucking loud!
Little nocturnal burglars who prey upon
Peace and Civility!
Also, while we’re on the topic
I saw my neighbor yesterday
looking cluelessly at his cat food bowl
wondering where all the food went overnight.
Like, God Damn, dude! You must be
Really Fucking Stupid!
I practically tripped over a raccoon
just walking back from class the other day!
Granted, it was dark and at night
but still dude, like Fuck, they’re
That was the same night that
A large bat-like creature
(most likely a bat)
got into my house, not once,
This bat was probably High on Drugs
He kept doing fucking circles in my room
It was weird, like
He would silently do laps around the room
like Usain Bolt or something
until I could chase him into another room
(because my roommates are a bunch of
who were afraid to go anywhere near it)
And eventually I got it to go back outside
when I took a penny
and threw it out a window
and that Dumb Bat probably thought it was
a bug or Some Shit
and chased it out.
The next day, my roommate noticed
that our soccer ball was stolen from our porch!
Those Fucking mammals were in cohorts!
The bat was merely an Ardent Detractor!
Those Fucking Raccoons nixed my soccer Ball!
You Fuckers! Fuck you!
The other day, I was walking around the Capitol Square
where a bunch of hippies were protesting
something Stupid, probably
while the homeless people watched
not really knowing what to do.
I saw a raccoon under a Tree
acting rather nonchalantly.
I think its name was Gomez.
I tried to approach Gomez,
assuming he was an ambassador to the
Vile Raccoon People
who probably live under my porch
and steal my sports equipment and the neighbor’s cat food.
»Perhaps,» I thought aloud to myself,
»they can be persuaded to peaceful negotiations
with Food and Belly Rubs,»
a tactic that works quite well on my pet cats,
who are part Maine Coon,
so surely a Rac Coon would be no different?
I approached slowly, squatted down
with an Outstretched Hand, symbolizing
Peace and Coexistence, similar to
how I approach all small creatures I attempt to catch.
(Which is a Lot of things.)
Then the maniacal bandit hissed at me!
But not a ferocious hiss, he didn’t even
Bare his teeth! It was Fucking Weird!
I ran away in fright, not knowing
What To Do!
I am currently planning a Trap
to catch those dastardly Raccoons
rummaging around my house every night.
I will attempt to become one of them.
Integrate into their society, learn their Customs
and fool them with my Professional Acting Skills.
I will learn of their weaknesses, and
Destroy them from the Inside!
I will be going undercover immediately.
If I do not resurface within the next few months,
assume the Worst has happened.
Do not Come after me, I am beyond Salvation.
Let my death be a testament to how
Fucking Douchey these little Shits can be!
I mean, Fuck! Fucking Raccoons!
I’m trying to sleep, you Fucking Shits!