An Ode to the Mammalian Bandit and Supreme Ardent Detractor, the Raccoon

(And Also a Large Bat That Got Into My House)

Kvn Brk



You’re a deceptive little shit, you!

You always look innocuous enough

with your furry little face mask and

admittedly, cute little paws

Forming a curtain of falsehoods

that shrouds your ture nature

as a MENACE to society



Every night you keep me awake

as you rummage through the neighbor’s

garbage bins

and cat food

you are really fucking loud!

Little nocturnal burglars who prey upon

Peace and Civility!

Also, while we’re on the topic

I saw my neighbor yesterday

looking cluelessly at his cat food bowl

wondering where all the food went overnight.

Like, God Damn, dude! You must be

Really Fucking Stupid!

I practically tripped over a raccoon

just walking back from class the other day!

Granted, it was dark and at night

but still dude, like Fuck, they’re



That was the same night that

A large bat-like creature

(most likely a bat)

got into my house, not once,

but TWICE!

This bat was probably High on Drugs


He kept doing fucking circles in my room

It was weird, like

He would silently do laps around the room

like Usain Bolt or something

until I could chase him into another room

(because my roommates are a bunch of

Limp-Dick Sissies

who were afraid to go anywhere near it)

And eventually I got it to go back outside

when I took a penny

and threw it out a window

and that Dumb Bat probably thought it was

a bug or Some Shit

and chased it out.

The next day, my roommate noticed

that our soccer ball was stolen from our porch!

Those Fucking mammals were in cohorts!

The bat was merely an Ardent Detractor!

Those Fucking Raccoons nixed my soccer Ball!

You Fuckers! Fuck you!


The other day, I was walking around the Capitol Square

where a bunch of hippies were protesting

something Stupid, probably

while the homeless people watched

not really knowing what to do.

I saw a raccoon under a Tree

acting rather nonchalantly.

I think its name was Gomez.

I tried to approach Gomez,

assuming he was an ambassador to the

Vile Raccoon People

who probably live under my porch

and steal my sports equipment and the neighbor’s cat food.

»Perhaps,» I thought aloud to myself,

»they can be persuaded to peaceful negotiations

with Food and Belly Rubs,»

a tactic that works quite well on my pet cats,

who are part Maine Coon,

so surely a Rac Coon would be no different?


I approached slowly, squatted down

with an Outstretched Hand, symbolizing

Peace and Coexistence, similar to

how I approach all small creatures I attempt to catch.

(Which is a Lot of things.)

Then the maniacal bandit hissed at me!

But not a ferocious hiss, he didn’t even

Bare his teeth! It was Fucking Weird!

I ran away in fright, not knowing

What To Do!


I am currently planning a Trap

to catch those dastardly Raccoons

rummaging around my house every night.

I will attempt to become one of them.

Integrate into their society, learn their Customs

and fool them with my Professional Acting Skills.

I will learn of their weaknesses, and

Destroy them from the Inside!

I will be going undercover immediately.

If I do not resurface within the next few months,

assume the Worst has happened.

Do not Come after me, I am beyond Salvation.

Let my death be a testament to how

Fucking Douchey these little Shits can be!

I mean, Fuck! Fucking Raccoons!

I’m trying to sleep, you Fucking Shits!